Playing Roulette

"Anxiety, misplaced shame, indifference, regret, covetousness, envy, lust, bitterness, impatience, despondency, pride—these are all sprouts from the root of unbelief in the promises of God."
- John Piper

So recently I have felt myself crying out "increase (my) faith", much like the apostles in Luke 17:5 as I, much like them, realize more and more the cost and call of Christ on my life. As I see more of what I am required to do (giving up my life, dying to self, fighting sin, living sacrificially, loving selflessly) I cry out for more faith.

It is kind of like this: I feel like my life is a big roulette game and I have a million dollars, which represents my time, love, and worship. Roulette is a game with a big wheel in which you place your money in one or more pockets guessing that a little ball will finally land in your pocket at the end and then you would win. If it doesn't land in your pocket, you lose all that you put in.

Before I was a Christian, I had all of my million dollars split up among different pockets titled "money", "popularity", "security", "success", "women", "basketball", "self", and a few others. Once I realized that these pockets were losing me money and I became a Christian, I took about $10,000 off of each of those and put it on Jesus, so I had about $100,000 on Christ. I was still unwilling to take ALL of my money off of these other things and put it on Jesus. That is just too risky, I thought, because what if Jesus didn't come through or wasn't real? I didn't realize that I thought this at the time, but I was definitly (and still am) doubting Jesus. If I wasn't doubting Him, then why wouldn't I happily put it all on Him?

Now I am realizing that I can't "hedge my bets". For so long I would leave some money on all of those different pockets just to make sure that I didn't lose big, but even though this is what the vast majority of American church-goers give, it isn't the faith Jesus calls for and quite possibly isn't saving faith. He calls us to "pick up our cross and follow Him", to lose our very lives for His sake. There is no part way, or half committed aspect to Christianity. But the more that I take my money off all of these different things and get closer to having everything riding on Jesus, the scarier it gets for me, because if you have all of your money riding on one thing, you have a greater chance of losing big.

Jesus' response to the apostles when they ask for more faith is very interesting in Luke 17. First He tells them that if they have faith like a mustard seed there will be nothing impossible for God to do in them. Then He goes on to tell a small parable:

7"Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, 'Come along now and sit down to eat'? 8Would he not rather say, 'Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink'? 9Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? 10So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.' "

This wasn't the answer I was looking for from Jesus, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. The point is that I am not following Jesus to make sure that I get my reward in the end, even though there is that promise of reward. The point of me following Jesus is BECAUSE HE IS WORTHY OF BEING FOLLOWED. He is God, my creator, my savior. I didn't create myself, and on top of that I have rebelled against God's standards constantly and become evil. I am not worthy of my life. He not only created me, but died to save me. Therefore He deserves EVERYTHING from me. He deserves all of my worship and love based merely on what He did, whether He does anything for me or not.

Now I totally agree with Piper when he says "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him", but my motivation can't be just to be satisfied, otherwise that is selfish. My motivation should be to glorify Him and give Him what He deserves, and in so doing I am supremely satisfied in His love and care. I want to enjoy Him as a wife enjoys her husband, but I don't want to just be using Him to get what I want.

God I want this kind of faith and worship. "Increase my faith!"

"You don't get justified by believing that Jesus died for sinners and rose again. You get justified by banking your hope on the promises that God secured and guaranteed for you through the death and resurrection of his Son. The faith by which God justifies us, forgives all our sins, reckons us righteous, is the experience of being satisfied that God will come through for you according to all his promises."
- John Piper

"This battle of faith, or battling against unbelief, is a life-long battle. When you become a Christian by banking your hope on the promises on God secured on the work of Jesus Christ, the battle has begun, not ended."
- John Piper